Yes, even me.

For years I had filled my life with nothingness...I say that because of all the things I filled my life with, it all amounted to nothing, really.

A visiting pastor was at our church. I will never forget how excited and in love with the Lord he seemed to be. Week after week, I listened to his preaching, while sitting there, week after week in row five on the left hand side of the sanctuary. I was sitting in the same seat, sitting with the same people, my marriage was still a mess, my life still felt hopeless.  Nothing about my life was different,  yet I was hearing something I had never heard before. I heard that Jesus saved. That he loved me even though I was who I was...in fact, exactly because I was who I was! 

As the days went on, I talked to that pastor several times, wanting to clearly understand that no matter what I had done, no matter what my life was like in the present, that God still loved me. I didn't need to do anything to make God love me more.  That God didn't love me any less because I had been such a fake and so sinful. He didn't love me any less because I didn't want to live. God loved me exactly because He wanted me to live! He wanted to change me in ways that I could never accomplish in my own will or strength.

One night, I  telephoned that pastor, to ask one more time, "God can love me? Even me? No matter what I had done?" Yes, he said. Yes! After that pastor shared what Jesus had done for me, I can't even say exactly how it happened, except that I called out to God. I told Him that I wanted my life to be different....that I believed that He had died for me, so that I would never have to be judged for all of my sin... past, present and future.                           

I prayed that night, and God was more real to me than he had ever been before...all those years that I had sat in row five on the right had side of that church.I was so desperately sorry for the choices I had made, how my life was nothing but a huge mess, and I had been the one mostly responsible for making it that way. In the presence of a perfect God, I saw how much I needed him. Something began to change in me that I didn't really understand at that time, but that God has been faithful to reveal to me over  the last fourteen years. He is real, He is true,  and I knew that God had a plan and a purpose for my life.

"I thank Christ Jesus, our Lord , for He has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service. Even though I was once a blasphemer, a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance.  Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason, I was shown mercy, so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example to those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life. NOW to the King eternal,  immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever, Amen."